Navigating Language Refusal in Multilingual Families

When a Child Rejects a Language: Navigating Language Refusal in Multilingual Families

This is an authentic conversation (entirely in Italian), transcribed word for word, that I had with Lou when she was 2 years and 10 months old. It was a lighthearted exchange with no intention of abandoning any of her languages. It seemed like she wanted to test her control over language choice. However, in the end, she continued using Italian as if we had never had that conversation. Although I don't currently have concerns about it, this issue may arise at some point, and it's undoubtedly something that many parents are experiencing.

Io - Tu parli quattro lingue. 

Lou - No, io parlo due lingue. 

Io - Due? Quali sono queste due ligue? 

Lou - Catalano e tedesh... tedesk... 

Io - Tedesco? 

Lou - Sì, catalano e tedesco. 

Io- E italiano. 

Lou - No, io non parlo italiano.

Me - You speak four languages. 

Lou - No, I speak two languages. 

Me - Two? What are these two languages? 

Lou - Catalan and German... Germa... 

Me - German? 

Lou - Yes, Catalan and German. 

Me - And Italian. 

Lou - No, I don't speak Italian.

When a multilingual child decides not to speak their parent's mother tongue and instead chooses another language, it can pose a challenge for parents. This is a common situation that many of us have experienced ourselves. Rather than viewing it as a refusal, it's important to recognize that there are various factors at play. These can include moving to a new country, receiving comments from peers, or concerns about accents, all of which can influence a child's language preferences.

Around the age of three, children may unconsciously start using their parent's language less frequently. It's crucial for parents not to take this personally or feel offended, as children often don't realize the impact of their language choices. Instead, it's helpful to investigate what has changed and why the child may not feel confident using the language anymore. By understanding the underlying reasons, parents can create a supportive environment that encourages communication in the target language.

In later stages, after identifying the root cause, which may involve seeking acceptance within the local community, reaching a mutual agreement can be beneficial. For example, parents and child can agree to speak the parent's language at home while using the community language when interacting with others outside. The family plays a crucial role in these situations, and it's important to establish rules that don't feel coercive or restrictive to the child. Remember, this is a phase that will eventually pass. Making a mutual agreement empowers the child by giving them a voice in the decision-making process, reducing the sense of obligation. Having the child's approval also helps create a positive environment, allowing them to reconnect with the language without any negative associations.

To resume, here there are several steps that parents can take to address this issue:

1. Understand the reason behind the refusal: It's important to try and understand why the child is refusing to speak in the mother tongue. Is it because they feel more comfortable speaking in another language? Or is there a deeper issue at play, such as a lack of interest or a negative association with the language? Once parents understand the reason, they can better address the situation.
2. Establishing a mutual agreement regarding when and how to use the language not only empowers the child but also gives them a voice in the decision-making process, thereby reducing the feeling of obligation.
3. Be patient and persistent: continually incorporate the target language into your daily routines. Engage in playful activities, read, and enjoy quality time with your child in this language. Encourage interactions with peers to help your child see the practical use of the language.
4. Enhance the connection with the country of the language by frequently video-calling family and friends, and if possible, visit the country as often as you can. 
5. If your child responds to you in another language, simply repeat the response in the desired language while smiling and showing your approval, then continue the conversation.
6. Language day: designate specific days or parts of the day for the target language. Adorn your home with artifacts and elements typical of the country. Enjoy films or cartoons exclusively in the target language. Prepare traditional dishes from the country. Celebrate the country's festivals, if possible. Even consider wearing traditional attire from the country. Make it a fun and engaging cultural experience!
7. Remind that is very usually for multilingual young children to be able to understand two or more languages but not speak one of them.

What to avoid

• Putting pressure on a child to speak in the non-dominant language.
• Interrupting play or conversation until the child repeats a word in the desired language.
• Quizzing the child.
• Ignore him/her. Don't block the connection with the child, this will broken the relation with your child.
• Be strict with him/her by asking back in our own language.

In summary, it's important for parents to create a supportive environment that encourages the child to speak in the mother tongue, be patient and persistent, and seek outside help if needed. With time and effort, the child may eventually become more comfortable speaking in the mother tongue.

Tips, tales, baffling moments and experiences from fellow parents:

Aysun: Despite my 3-year-old son's impressive command of Romanian, Turkish, and English, he tends to become more reserved when communicating with Turkish native speakers. Instead of speaking, he expresses himself through non-verbal gestures such as nodding, pointing, and sharing toys.

Eva:  We encountered a similar situation with my husband's native language, Slovenian. Our approach was to allow our son to respond in whichever language he felt comfortable with, and then my husband would translate his response into Slovenian. It was important for us not to criticize our son's language use and instead, we encouraged him to use Slovenian without pressure. Over time, our son gradually learned enough active vocabulary to respond in Slovenian, and now he speaks it fluently, as if it were his native language.

Hugo: Our family resides in the UK, with a French-speaking mother and myself, a Cantonese-speaking father. We have a 3-year-old son and a younger daughter. As we prioritize French as the primary language between me and my wife, there was a phase where my son would exclusively respond to me in French, even when I spoke to him in Cantonese. This continued for about six months and proved to be quite frustrating. To address this, I made a conscious effort to consistently repeat and rephrase his answers in Cantonese, remaining disciplined in my approach. Over time, we witnessed a positive change, and now he has significantly improved his Cantonese proficiency.

For more 👉 Multilingual education

Resources

Susanne Döpke, One parent one language. An interactional approach.

Growing up with Three Languages: Birth to Eleven by Xiao-lei Wang.

Language Strategies for Trilingual Families: Parents' Perspectives by Andreas Braun and Tony Bilingual Siblings: Language Use in Families by Suzanne Barron-Hauwaert

Raising Multilingual Children by Tracey Tokuhama-Espinosa